Christi and I are night and day in this area.
Christi is a connector...the best kind. She allows her door to be open wide to many friendships. On top of that she is the birthday writer, weekly caller...if you have an important concert, play, competition, life event coming up...you can bet she remembered it, prayed for you, and did her best to show up or at least encourage you before the big day.
Me...not so much. I can get smothered in a hurry...what's funny is, I probably did my fair share of being a "smother-er" as a youth. My best friends in the world, I may only talk with 2-3 times a year. Other friends I haven't seen in years, and I still have a strong bond when I think about them. An honest truth, I forget...A LOT! I may forget to write happy birthday on their FB page and would miss some major life events (if Christi hadn't have reminded me of them) I don't need to talk every day, I know these friends are my friends. When the time occurs for us to get together or catch up, it's always good.
Friendship is a tricky thing isn't it? I don't think the "type of friend" that we are, good/bad, has much to do with how often we tag someone on FB. I think it's tricky because people are tricky. Flawed. All of us. Listen there are some people who want to get close to you with an agenda. Those are obvious to see. But what does God say about this wonderful, flawed relationship He commissioned called friendship?
I was struck in my personal time with God about this. Listen to the Holy Spirit speak through Paul in Galatians 3: 17-20
(17)They eagerly seek you, not commendably, but wish to shut you out so that you will seek them. (18)But it is good always to be eagerly sought in a commendable manner, and not only when I am present with you.
(19)My children, with whom I am again in labor with you until Christ is formed in you -
(20)but I could wish to be present with you now and to change my tone, for I am perplexed about you.
What hit me first was truth...I like being "eagerly sought." In fact, I need others in my life to help me out. This may look different for everyone of us, but the truth is, I like being liked! I was glad I didn't stop after verse 17, because in verse 18, Paul affirms what I felt..."it's good to be eagerly sought!" Whew! It's good to have friends that help you out. It feels good having someone to lean on, call who times are tough. Someone that reaches out to you once and a while (so that you and I don't feel like we have to always be the initiator).
IT IS GOOD TO HAVE A FRIEND.
Now follow me... hidden in these words are some of the most valuable truths on friendship that you and I can ever hear. Some friends are driven by, and drive us to, fear and some are driven by, and drive us to, favor.
I am not buying into the lie that there are a ton of people eagerly seeking my friendship to steal from me or ride on my coattails..if you are out there...pockets are thin and I tuck my shirts in ;) But sincerely, I think most people who eagerly seek me as a friend...wait for it...want to be friends. It that bad? Nope! I like having friends. But, God gives me, us, a good word here about discernment with those who eagerly seek us. The word isn't necessarily to put a bouncer at the door of every relationship...you are either "all in" or "all out." It is directed at those friends that we allow to have meaningful influence on our lives.
Some people eagerly seek friendship out of fear and others out of favor. (you, like me, may have been guilty of this yourself...so no judging here...just follow me) How do we know the difference? To be honest it isn't easy, but God, by His grace, gives us a litmus test Fear grips, favor builds.
Fear grips. Friendships forged like this can be some of the most reliable out there. From constant check ups, to digging into your problems, always trying to help when you are in need. They solve your problems when you aren't around. Your kids are their kids. When you call they simultaneously pick up the phone and knock on your door ;) ! Is anything wrong with this? Honestly, not necessarily! Reliability is a strong trait in friendship!
BUT, here's the litmus test...Paul says that fearful friends "wish to shut you out so that you will only seek them." Read that again and let it sink in.
Hold the phones. You and I have to have God's lens on every relationship, right. I'll say it again, Fear grips, favor builds. This is true in friendships. When someone eagerly seeks you as a friend (or again as we bring our own actions under the light of God's word...when you and I eagerly seek someone as a friend), are you finding your friendship circle expand or contract? Who are they pointing you to as goto support in your life? A Fear Friend will, with the best intention, try to be our overwhelming goto person. In fact, you may feel guilty spending time with others without them. Ever gone out with some friends and not posted a pic of a date night on FB because you didn't want to hurt another friend's feeling? Fear grips. Ever handed off a problem or been in need seeking advice from someone and a someone else suddenly "has it under control." Read Paul's words again, about fearful friends. They "wish to shut you out so that you will only seek them."
Favor builds. A friend like Paul points to in v.18, is one that builds us up! A Favor friend, builds our hope in God's plan for our life, His promise for our marriage, His provision for our children. A Favor friend is always there when we need them, but never wants to be the hero. A favor friend turns our eyes to other favor friends...our circle of friends increases, they rejoice when others are added and celebrate the network of Christ, the church, growing.
Friendship can be like cleaning solution. It starts out concentrated, but needs to have water added or it will stop being a cleaning agent and begin to cause corrosion. Water is needed to dilute it. This causes the concentration to be dispersed and the initial solution to share the space it once held alone.
I don't think God made everyone to have to have a certain number of close friends in their lives. For some its a small number for others big. I don't believe there is a formula for how often good friends must be in contact. But, I think God's word is clear, the friends that we rely on the most must be built on Favor, not fear. God's plan for us is commendable friendships that show the world the beauty of God's bride being the church together.
Paul's comments on the end are funny to me. I wish someone would have said this to me when I forged certain friendships and made certain decisions throughout my life..."For I am perplexed by you." Today we'd say..."this doesn't sound like you." Maybe they did and I just couldn't hear it. I can't go back and change my actions or responses that were influenced by fear, but I can move forward.
Being a Favor Friend to everyone, including those who are fearful.
Fearful friends aren't evil. I've been one (and bet I'll be tempted at times by fear again and again in the future)...they are scared. Scared to lose what little they have. Scared to have their circle of friends contract even further. Scared that if they lose influence, importance...they will have little left. Scared that they aren't worthy of friendship. Fearful friends need Favor Friends.
I know it was weak, but one of the things I love in life is loving people! We have to share commendable friendship with friends who are scared, fearful. We can build them up to trust, remind them of the value that God gives. Point them to the victories they can't see or imagine yet. Do I have to be mindful of their fear, certainly, but I don't have to fear it. The secret is, most favor friends were fearful friends someone in life. Someone had to show them what favor looked like. I did. It may be a tightrope not to pulled into their fear and God hasn't called us to get warm and snuggly with every person that walks into our life., but for those you influence away from fear towards favor...it's life changing.
Seeking more and more Favor Friends to help my life be the fullest that God made it to be.
This is tough, it takes discernment and gentleness. It takes patience and accountability. It means evaluating those relationships I am now in and their influence on my life...but in the end, the more Favor friends I have...the better man, husband, father, brother, son, teacher, pastor...the more blessed my life will be.
